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Perl Humour

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This page was retrieved from the Perl_humour page at the currently offline wiki. There it was maintained by several people, including Shlomi Fish, and was licensed under the CC-by-sa Australia and the original Perl Artistic License. It was restored here from the wayback machine.

Perl Humour

From PerlNet

This is a collection of links and resources to Perl Humour.

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In the Perl Core


Most of Perl's amusing modules can be found in the Acme name space. The following are a mere fraction of the available modules, there are many more.


The original joke module. Write Perl in Latin instead of in English.

Acme is a base class for perfect modules. If you sub-class this module when creating your own, it'll be both perfect and spiffy.


Acme::Enc allows you to encrypt your source code so other's can't read it. This really does encrypt your source code, but it's still trivial to unencrypt it, so don't use this to protect "valuable" code.


Turn your ugly Perl code into beautiful pictures and UML diagrams!


Mix colours in Perl! red + yellow = orange!


Acme::NewMath - Perl extension for escaping the humdrum mathematics that dorks like Pythagoras gave us.

Reading from the description:

For thousands of years, we have been plagued by mathematicians insisting that two plus two equals four. Who elected them? I, Stevie-O, am promoting an entirely new system, where two plus two equals FIVE. Eventually, it will be extended to provide other stuff these power-hungry madmen kept hidden away for themselves, such as division by zero, cold fusion, the ability to solve the halting problem, and the secret to attracting hot chicks.


Acme::HaltingProblem - easy things should be easy, hard things should be possible, and impossible things should be…possible as well??

On this site…

Perl Poetry

Perl is such an expressive language that it's even possible to write poetry in it; as has happened since Larry Wall wrote the first Perl poem in 1990. A collection of Perl poems can be found in perlmonks’ poetry section. Here's a description of the history of Perl poetry.


Random Quotations

Template Toolkit's Spam

Many people received spam with various Template Toolkit fields instead of actual headers and content. Here are links to some of their blog entries about it. (Why can't spammers make sure they unit-test their spamming scripts?)

Perl Bits



Gabor Szabo




From IRC

Books for Learning Perl

    <Alexi5>   what is a good book for getting up to speed with  perl?
    <merlyn>   learning perl!
    <merlyn>   intermediate perl!
   <nachos_>   the camel is the _only book_
   <nachos_>   :-P
           *   merlyn bats nachos silly
   <nachos_>   :-(
   <rindolf>   Alexi5: there's also Beginning Perl, which is available
           *   f00li5h saw that coming
   <rindolf>   You should learn Perl from "Learning Perl in 24 minutes
   <f00li5h>   rindolf: "Learning perl in 24 minutes Unleashed, in a
               nutshell for dummies" is the one i have
   <rindolf>   f00li5h: that's even better.

From Freenode's #perl.


     <x86>  can someone tell me what this epoch translates to in
            %Y-%m-%d format? 1202256000
<integral>  eval: POSIX::strftime("%Y-%m-%d", gmtime(1202256000))
  <buubot>  integral: 2008-02-06
     <x86>  nice!
<integral>  note that if you're not specifying timezone you're in for a
            world of hate
<integral>  err, *pain
    <iank>  s/pain/butter/
    <iank>  I will dump butter on you unless you specify tz.
    <iank>  Also if you do specify tz.
    <iank>  Fuck it, I will dump butter on you, fullstop.
<integral>  don't waste good butter on them, try margarine

From Freenode's #perl.

CPAN is your Friend (or Enemy)

           <x86>  gah
           <x86>  DateTime::Format::Strptime is not one of the core
          <iank>  boo hoo cpan it
       <apeiron>  "i (can't|don't want to) use external modules"
          <iank>  (If only we had some sort of comprehensive archive
                  network.. for perl stuff.. complete with a convenient
                  tool you could use to easily fetch, build, and
                  install modules!)
          <iank>  apeiron: "oh, but you're a dumbass"
          <iank>  "carry on then"
<simcop2387-lab>  iank! i know i'll call it Ruby on Rails!
      <integral>  well, it'd be different if CPAN and CPANPLUS really
                  were convenient.
           <x86>  POSIX::strptime is not a core module either
           <x86>  this sucks
       <apeiron>  Send patches or shut up. :)
                  PUNCH YOU IN THE SPLEEN
      <integral>  apt-get : cpan :: brilliant : annoying
          <iank>  this : pretentious and awkward :: 1 : 1
           <x86>  iank: not so conveinent when you're writing software
                  to be deployed on 100 servers and you dont want to
                  have to install the same module 100 times
      <integral>  bundle it with your app.
          <iank>  x86: stop failing at sysadmining
          <iank>  Or that.
      <integral>  They're also pure-perl so this is very, very trivial.
      <integral>  We have PARs which are jsut like Java's JARs for even
                  more deployability win
          <iank>  woohoo
           <mst>  and people have this retarded obsession with only
                  using core
           <mst>  I mean, anybody who does perl for a living grows out
                  of it pretty fucking fast
           <mst>  but there's always colossal whining the first time
                  you tell someone to get something from CPAN
      <integral>  But due to my last point, PAR isn't as well known as
                  it should be
           <mst>  x86: thanks for being today's example :)

From Freenode's #perl

How much Perl do you need

     <shishirm1>  is pop3 module avaliable only in perl 5?
      <jernster>  are you saying you use something other than 5?
          <icke>  perl 4 didn't even have modules
      <jernster>  heh
       <rindolf>  shishirm1: do you want to use it with Perl 4?
     <shishirm1>  oh ok sorry i am comlete nooob!! so i am just asking
                  you guys
     <shishirm1>  nope is perl 5 a standard now?
      <jernster>  yes
     <shishirm1>  ok great...
      <jernster>  :)
       <rindolf>  shishirm1: Perl 4 is unmaintained, unloved,
                  deprecated, not recommended, and dead - D. E. D. -
<simcop2387-lap>  perl 4 is an EXPERL!
<simcop2387-lap>  all statements that perl4 is a going concern are thus

From Freenode's #perl

PHP, Perl and the meaning of "my"

<milardovich>  with strict it say me this:
<milardovich>  Global symbol "$lorem" requires explicit package name at
      line 3.
    <rindolf>  milardovich: use "my $lorem = "
    <rindolf>  milardovich: my is your friend.
    <rindolf>  pun not intended.
    <rindolf>  my is my friend.
        <dwu>  Preferably with a real value after "= " ^.^
    <rindolf>  dwu: he already has that.
<milardovich>  that works with my rindolf
<milardovich>  thaks you!!!
    <rindolf>  milardovich: you're welcome.
<milardovich>  :)
     <ubajas>  I wish I had a rindolf too. :-\
<milardovich>  people here are "nicer" than on #php :P
    <rindolf>  ubajas: I'm mass-produced at Chines sweat-shops.
     <ubajas>  hehe
    <rindolf>  ubajas: they sell me for 30 bucks a piece.
    <rindolf>  milardovich: I've heard some horrible stories about ##php.
<milardovich>  perl rulz x)
    <rindolf>  milardovich: what brings you to Perl?
 <simcop2387>  rindolf: #php apparantly
    <rindolf>  simcop2387: heh.
    <rindolf>  simcop2387++

Meaning of IP

          *  reflexive huzzahs. His Perl books just arrived.
  <apeiron>  reflexive, Which?
<reflexive>  apeiron: IP and PBP. A couple others are still in transit.
  <apeiron>  reflexive, Nice. :)
<reflexive>  :)
  <rindolf>  reflexive: what is IP?
<reflexive>  Intermediate Perl.
  <rindolf>  reflexive: oh, OK.
  <rindolf>  Intellectual Perl.
  <rindolf>  Internet Perl.
   <kojiro>  Invasive Perl
   <kspath>  Idiot Perl
  <rindolf>  Interactive Perl.
  <rindolf>  I, Perl.
   <kojiro>  Implementing Pies
   <kojiro>  mmm, pie
  <rindolf>  Improbably Perl
   <kspath>  Ignoble Perl
   <kojiro>  Probably Inverted
  <rindolf>  kojiro: :-)
   <kspath>  Improper Perl
<reflexive>  Insidious Perl?
   <kojiro>  API?
  <rindolf>  In Soviet Russia all improper is Perl.
  <rindolf>  APII.
     <qrck>  impudent perl
   <kojiro>  no, you never count words like "is"
   <kspath>  Incoherent Perl
<reflexive>  So true.

Source - Freenode #perl

Geek Pseudo-Sextalk

See "Sextalk According to Perlers" on Shlomi Fish's fortune collection - may be a bit offensive, but also contains some serious Tech-related advice.

Which Prefix do you Want today?

     <mMish>  hi rind
   <rindolf>  Hi mMish
   <rindolf>  mMish: now you're mMish ?
   <rindolf>  mMish: are you eMish, oMish, aMish , etc?
     <mMish>  yes
   <rindolf>  mMish: ah, nice.
     <mMish>  depends on the mood
   <rindolf>  GumbyBRAIN: how many nicks must a one IRCer have?
<GumbyBRAIN>  Oh, i lie, now it's stuck on posting things to do it. You
              said you couldn't have one of many.
   <rindolf>  mMish: ah OK.
   <rindolf>  xMish
   <rindolf>  iMish
   <rindolf>  zMish
   <rindolf>  Like the IBM computers.
   <rindolf>  pMish
     <mMish>  ppszMish <--- HUngarian
   <rindolf>  mMish: LOL.
   <rindolf>  lpstrMish
   <dazjorz>  is lpstr a function?
   <dazjorz>  get_magic_quotes_gpcMish
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: no, Long Pointer to string.
   <dazjorz>  PHP++ :')
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: why?
   <rindolf>  perlbot: karma PHP
   <perlbot>  Karma for PHP: -147
   <LeoNerd>  It takes some nerve to say "PHP++" in #perl :P
   <dazjorz>  rindolf: because they have get_magic_quotes_gpc!
   <dazjorz>  don't we all love get_magic_quotes_gpc!
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: oh.
   <dazjorz>  it's a function
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: love, hate - what's the difference.
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: that does what?
   <dazjorz>  to get the value of magic_quotes_gpc in the config file.
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: ah.
   <dazjorz>  so they have get_magic_quotes_gpc for
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: LOL.
   <dazjorz>  plus, there's the magic_quotes_gpc to escape all input a
              script gets via POST, GET and COOKIE.
   <rindolf>  dazjorz: yes, sounds Evil.
   <rindolf>  Just use placeholders.

Source: Freenode's #perl

Chuck Norris as a Refactorer

<Su-Shee>  2010 is planned more or less as a refactoring year.
<DrForr_>  A whole *year*? What physical plane of existence do you reside
<Su-Shee>  DrForr_: there's also bugs to fix and systems to care for and
           things like that. it's not that we're locked into the closet
           and a year later a new, shiny product is released. ;)
<DrForr_>  Closet optional.
<Su-Shee>  I'm not a wonderwoman refactoring half a million lines of perl
           in a week, sorry. :)
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: Chuck Norris refactors 10 millions lines of perl
           before lunch.
<Su-Shee>  rindolf: hm. that's the reason.. I'm not as hairy as chuck
           norris and I don't have a beard...
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: ah.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: Chuck Norris also wrote a complete Perl 6
<Su-Shee>  rindolf: I heard, he already wrote Perl 7.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: yes.
        *  rindolf wants to be as awesome as Chuck when he grows up.
<Su-Shee>  rindolf: I envy you. I'll never be as awesome without a beard.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: heh.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: it doesn't matter if you're rigid on the outside as
           long as you're rigid on the inside.
<Su-Shee>  chuck norris doesn't make mistakes.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: Chuck Norris corrects God.
<Su-Shee>  rindolf: I'll apply as his secretary.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: as Chuck's?
<Su-Shee>  rindolf: yes.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: OK.
<rindolf>  Chuck Norris doesn't code. When he sits next to a computer, it
           just does whatever he wants.
<Su-Shee>  I'll tell my boss tomorrow. Chuck is who he wants.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: Chuck Norris is his own boss.
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: if you hire him, he'll tell your boss what to do.
<Su-Shee>  good point.

From Freenode's #perl

XSLT Facts - Why XSLT is Evil

               -->  xmler has joined ##programming
           <xmler>  Hi
           <xmler>  How can I do <a href="$variable">blah</a> in XSLT?
         <rindolf>  xmler: you can use <xsl:attribute>
         <rindolf>  xmler: or use ${...}
         <rindolf>  xmler: have you read the Zvon XSLT tutorial?
           <xmler>  rindolf: I've read various resources; perhaps it's
                    the fault of XML::XSLT on CPAN
         <rindolf>  xmler: use XML::LibXSLT instead.
         <rindolf>  It's faster and better.
             <Zuu>  <insert mean statement about XSLT>
             <Zuu>  :)
         <rindolf>  "XSLT is the work of Satan"
         <rindolf>  "It's the worst thing since non-sliced bread."
             <Zuu>  Hahaha :D
         <rindolf>  "Mothers used to tell their children about XSLT to
                    scare them."
           <xmler>  Haha
             <Zuu>  That last one is good
           <xmler>  XSLT seems pretty cool
             <Zuu>  xmler, no no, that's not mean
             <Zuu>  you're doing it wrong
             <Zuu>  :P
           <xmler>  XSLT is too cool to be mean to :p
             <Zuu>  Hehe
         <rindolf>  "XSLT is the number one cause of programmers'
                    suicides since Visual Basic 1.0"
<tommy_the-dragon>  lol
             <Zuu>  :>
             <Zuu>  I could believe in that
         <rindolf>  "The X in XSLT stands for eXtermination."
         <rindolf>  "XSLT makes the baby jesus cry."
         <rindolf>  "The only things worse than XSLT are Excel and
                    sugarless tea."
<tommy_the-dragon>  rofl
                 *  Zuu kinda likes Excel
         <rindolf>  Zuu: yes, it was a joke.
             <Zuu>  Noooh!
             <Zuu>  they are all true!
         <rindolf>  Now I'm out of ideas.
             <Zuu>  i haven’t even had a single idea yet..
         <rindolf>  "XSLT is what Chuck Norris has nightmares of."
             <Zuu>  Whoah!
             <Zuu>  wait.. that would somehow make XSLT cooler than Chuck
             <Zuu>  Chuck Norris dont have mightmares
         <rindolf>  "Confucius e says: 'XSLT made me realise humanity was
             <Zuu>  "Even APL wont make friends with XSLT"
             <Zuu>  yay, i maded one!
         <rindolf>  "God considered using XSLT as the tenth plague of
                    Egypt, but thought it was too evil."
         <rindolf>  Zuu: :-)
             <Zuu>  Haha :D
             <Zuu>  that plauge one is awesome
         <rindolf>  "In Soviet Russia, XSLT codes you. Badly!"
         <rindolf>  "Satan condemned Hitler for a million years of
                    writing XSLT"
         <rindolf>  OK, back to work.
         <rindolf>  C - not XSLt.
             <Zuu>  :)
         <rindolf>  "The KGB used to torture their victims by having them
                    look at scrolling XSLT code"
           <xmler>  rindolf: lol, love the KGB + XSLT one
           <xmler>  rindolf: by the way, what's with the XSLT hate by the
                    way, is it some kind of meme? :p
                 *  Zuu gives xmler an XSLT interpreter written in XSLT
        <Jck_true>  I wanna make ASM code from XSLT
         <rindolf>  "My name is Inigo Montoya. You forced my father to
                    write XSLT. Prepare to die! And be thankful I don't
                    force you to write XSLT."
           <xmler>  Ah for gawd's sake. Can't install XML::LibXML, it
                    says I don't have libxml2 (I do)
         <rindolf>  xmler: do you have the -devel package?
         <rindolf>  xmler: what is your distro?
         <rindolf>  OS distro I mean.
           <xmler>  rindolf: Debian 4.0
           <xmler>  Ooh, perhaps I don't actually
         <rindolf>  xmler: ok, then apt-get install libxml-libxslt-perl
                 *  Zuu have to go o/
         <rindolf>  xmler: maybe we should discuss it on #perl?
         <rindolf>  Zuu: bye
         <rindolf>  Zuu: and beware of stray XSLT code.
             <Zuu>  I will :P
         <rindolf>  Zuu: OK.
           <xmler>  rindolf: sure, uno memento :)

   -- Chuck Norris is out! XSLT is in!
   -- ##programming, Freenode

From Freenode's ##programming.

One Moose Per Child

<rindolf>  My Moose-based modules emit strange errors when ran under
           Devel::Cover . /me is a sad kitten.
    <buu>  When my moose emit things I begin to worry.
<Su-Shee>  I don't even have a moose.
<Su-Shee>  but I go to Ikea sometimes!
<rindolf>  "I want a Moose!"
        *  rindolf buys a Moose for Su-Shee
<rindolf>  One Moose Per Child.
    <buu>  A moose in every.. editor?
<Su-Shee>  I'll have to put it in the living room.
<rindolf>  If we perldoc -f fork a Moose-based program do we get two
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: what if it's a Chocolate Moose?
<Su-Shee>  now it's not the elephant in the room noone's talking about,
           it's the moose.
<Su-Shee>  rindolf: real size? living room.
   <anno>  Tycho de Brahe had a moose free running in his castle
           Unraniborg. he found a vat of beer, drank it, fell down a
           stair and had to be killed.
<Su-Shee>  hm, I could make a nice shower gel with moose milk powder and
           sell it exclusively to perl programmers.
<rindolf>  anno: the astronomer?
   <anno>  yes
<rindolf>  anno: ah, really?
<Su-Shee>  anno: I don't have a castle.
   <anno>  few do
<Su-Shee>  indeed.
<Su-Shee>  wise anno.
<rindolf>  One Castle Per Child!
<Su-Shee>  when I do my moose presentation, I'll rename myself to
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: and rent a Castle.
<Su-Shee>  good idea. on company's expenses. ;)
<rindolf>  Su-Shee: heh.
<Su-Shee>  anno: wanna come? I own Schloss Charlottenburg now. ;)
<rindolf> - hmmm....
        *  rindolf contemplates what to do now.
        *  Su-Shee RESTs.
<rindolf>  Maybe I'll watch more of Red vs. Blue.
<rindolf>  Or I'll rent Schloss Charlottenburg .
<rindolf>  Or something.
<rindolf>  I may want to refactor the other parts of
           XML-Grammar-Fiction/Screenplay. I can live without testcover.
<rindolf>  But I need my Moose.

   -- One Moose Per Child
   -- #perl, Freenode

Perl Ninjas, Pirates and Zombies

      <alyx>  /w/w 55
           *  apeiron gives alyx an award for failing that so much
      <alyx>  \o/
           *  alyx hangs it up in the almighty fail closet
   <rindolf>  alyx: :-)
      <alyx>  rindolf: :D
   <Su-Shee>  55 chat windows are too much. ;)
     <Botje>  amen!
     <Botje>  I keep my irssi trimmed to < 30
   <Su-Shee>  I have 3. ;)
      <alyx>  Botje: o_o
      <alyx>  I have 56 windows atm, before I cleaned up a bit, I was at
              ~150. ._.
  <woldrich>  One friend in each window, and you have 56 times more
              friends than me.
   <Su-Shee>  bah. I like to have real conversations and to really follow
              a handful of channels and that's it..
   <rindolf>  alyx: wow.
<perlsyntax>  Is there away i can look up my modules with cpan that i
              have installed?
<perlsyntax>  if i am right.
   <Su-Shee>  wow. facebook has a chat too.
    <DrForr>  perldoc -q installed
   <rindolf>  Su-Shee: you can use a Jabber client for that.
   <rindolf>  DrForr++
           *  pragma_ gets annoyed when he exceeds 19 windows.
   <rindolf>  We should create a #perl <-> StackOverflowish interface.
   <Su-Shee>  after gotten angry, I don't use my jabber stuff anymore as
              well ;)
   <apeiron>  rindolf, Feel free to make a shitoverflow interface. Just
              don't put it here.
   <rindolf>  apeiron: :-)
   <apeiron>  no, not :-)
   <apeiron>  more like /ban *!*@*
   <Su-Shee>  who needs all those chats...
   <apeiron>  People with very empty lives.
   <Su-Shee>  well it fills empty windows.. ;)
   <Su-Shee>  or, there's recently chat rockstars and chat ninjas.. ;)
     <Botje>  but you don't /see/ chat ninjas!
   <Su-Shee>  that's why I have so few channels.. no ninja chatting with
    <DrForr>  Not that you *know* of.
     <Botje> # relevant
   <candide>  Title of Botje's link: NICHTLUSTIG
   <Su-Shee>  damn. what if a ninja is asking me out and I don't get it
              because it's an invisible conversation?
   <Su-Shee>  Botje: harhar ;)
     <Botje>  Su-Shee: if dinner suddenly appears you just married a
   <Su-Shee>  in a secret, hidden ceremony?
   <Su-Shee>  Botje: was I there? how was I? ;)
   <pragma_>  Su-Shee: your inner ninja will detect it and go on the
              date, if you have one.
   <Su-Shee>  pragma_: ah. interesting. so I'll find myself suddenly in
              some ninja-restaurant and don't remember how I got there?
    <Caelum>  DrForr: mintty seems nice
    <Caelum>  DrForr: there's also puttycyg
    <DrForr>  It is, but 3 days ina row I've hit that same key combo, and
              I can't reset it in the dialog box.
   <pragma_>  Su-Shee: no, your ninja will be there while your you
              remains oblivious
   <rindolf>  Ninjas. :-)
   <pragma_>  This is why ninjas engage in rigorous 24/7 training of
              their ninjistu; so that they may be more in touch with
              their inner ninjas and be more aware of what it is doing.
   <Su-Shee>  pragma_: so I stay an idiot no matter what. ;)
   <pragma_>  your idiot remains an idiot forever, but you can train your
              non-idiot to overpower your idiot.
    <DrForr>  But... shouldn't your inner ninja be hidden?
    <Caelum>  DrForr: KiTTy also has the PuttyCyg patch, and only needs
              the cthelper.exe from PuttyCyg
   <pragma_>  When you have attained true enlightenment of the ninja,
              then you too will become like the hidden tiger and will
              enjoy the pleasures of the crouching dragon.
   <Su-Shee>  I better not google pleasures of the crouching dragon..
   <Su-Shee>  DrForr: No match for "ASKAINNERNINJA.COM".
   <Su-Shee>  DrForr: go ahead ;)
       <mst>  whould be ask -an- inner ninja.
   <Su-Shee>  also no match ;)
   <Su-Shee>  *lol* is taken ;)
     <Botje>  there's also drmcninja
   <Su-Shee>  well we could always chose to go down the rockstar path...
   <Su-Shee>  choose.
   <rindolf>  We should become Perl pirates. Arrrrrrrrrr!
           *  alyx hands rindolf an eyepatch
   <rindolf>  Unleash your inner bucaneer.
   <rindolf>  "I'm Guybrush Threepwood. Mighty Pirate."
   <apeiron>  Yeah, I've been doing that for ages.
   <Su-Shee>  .oO(johnny depp.. hm.. ;)
   <rindolf>  And Keira Knightly.
  <woldrich>  What does '.oO' mean?
   <rindolf>  woldrich: saying something.
   <rindolf>  Like a talk balloon.
   <rindolf>  Maybe a thought balloon?
   <pragma_>  . o ( This is a thought balloon. )
  <woldrich>  oh. I'm too old for this shit
   <rindolf>  woldrich: it doesn't matter as long as you're young at
   <rindolf>  And there are no young Perl programmers. ;-)
           *  pragma_ prefers his heart matured and fortified.
   <rindolf>  As "Perl is dead."
           *  Caelum prefers his hearts barbecued
   <rindolf>  Well, that wasn't very funny.
   <Su-Shee>  I wouldn't really call mst "old" ;)
    <BinGOs>  zombie perl
   <rindolf>  Su-Shee: I know a Perl programmer who's now a university
           *  apeiron sends zombie kindergarteners after rindolf
   <Su-Shee>  well dr dobbs agrees.
   <rindolf>  Knew him since he was in Junior high.
   <rindolf>  apeiron: :-)
    <BinGOs>  perl eats your brains.
           *  rindolf trains the zombie kindergarteners to be mighty Perl
              zombie pirates!
   <pragma_>  I've always been annoyed by the lack of zombie children
              running around in Left4Dead, et al.
   <rindolf>  mighty*
     <Botje>  pragma_: shooting kids is bad mmkay
   <pragma_>  At least Dead Space 2 has mutant baby toddlers you can
              stomp like fattened mosquitos.
  <Khisanth>  but these would be dead kids
   <apeiron>  undead
   <apeiron>  very important distinction!
  <Khisanth>  hmm well really neither, just bags of disease
   <rindolf>  Perl vampires!
           *  pragma_ would rather be a werewolf.
   <apeiron>  Khisanth, every source I've read says zombies are undead.
              so there.
           *  rindolf shoots pragma_ with the silver bullet.
  <Khisanth>  the l4d ones aren't really zombies :)
     <Botje>  they're more like 28 days later-style zombies
   <apeiron>  eh, modern games get everything wrong.
  <woldrich>  That girl in Resident Evil is cute.
           *  Su-Shee recommends "the walking dead"
   <pragma_>  L4D, Resident Evil, Dead Space -- these are all "zombies"
              despite however they came to be such!
     <Botje>  yes, walking dead is <3
    <Caelum>  I haven't seen the new resident evil movie yet, was it
  <woldrich>  oh yes
     <Botje>  it had milla shooting stuff
     <Botje>  what more do you want?
   <pragma_>  I was thinking of the Resident Evil 5 video game actually
  <Khisanth>  Botje: multiple millas shooting stuff?
   <pragma_>  System Shock
   <apeiron>  plot. thought-provoking themes.
  <woldrich>  khisanth++
     <Botje>  pragma_++ # yes!
   <pragma_>  System Shock 2
     <Botje>  my first-born for a system shock movie
     <Botje>  (done decently, that is)
           *  f00li5h nuzzles Botje
   <Su-Shee>  Botje: since when do you have a firstborn?
     <Botje>  aagh! zomb.. oh. hi kit!
     <Botje>  Su-Shee: i will have!
  <Khisanth>  Botje: probably won't be done nicely :P

From Freenode's #perl.

Perl’s Enterprise Edition

 <federated_life>  once you get into poe and moose heavily…why stay with
                   perl instead of going to java ?
        <LeoNerd>  I've spent much of this last month writing Perl at home
                   and Java at work.. I really really dislike Java
        <Su-Shee>  federated_life: what for?
 <federated_life>  since being a real programmer is editing the binary
                   files directly instead of recompiling…but java has a
                   lot of nice stuff
        <LeoNerd>  It is far too new FutureFunction<Param,Result>() {
                   public Future<Result> apply(Param p) { noisy } } for my
        <Su-Shee>  federated_life: WTF?
        <LeoNerd>  I always get annoyed that the smallest of things takes
                   just far too much code in Java, to the point that after
                   a glance, I can't see where the real detail is
        <Su-Shee>  federated_life: and what nice stuff does Java has?
        <apeiron>  federated_life, you know where Java is if you want it.
                   we're not stopping you.
 <federated_life>  Im no java expert, nor a perl expert …. but I don't
                   have to load half of cpan to get moose equivalent in
        <apeiron>  it's hardly half of CPAN
        <apeiron>  it's not even a third or a quarter
 <federated_life>  :)
        <apeiron>  no, not :)
        <apeiron>  more like "stfu and stop spreading ignorance-based FUD"
 <federated_life>  perl is awesome, no doubts about it, but Im curious
                   what other languages you guys hack stuff up in
        <Su-Shee>  federated_life: then just use Java and leave us using
                   something else if you like it better.. also: plenty of
                   perl code doesn't even need Moose or POE
        <apeiron>  C
        <rindolf>  federated_life: I also use C, Ruby and Python.
        <LeoNerd>  Perl, Scheme, C, Java,...
        <rindolf>  federated_life: and I play with other languages too.
        <rindolf>  federated_life: and C++.
       <tybalt89>  federated_life: surveys are one channel over
        <Su-Shee>  federated_life: C, Ruby, JavaScript, Shell, R and sadly
                   Java for Android stuff
           <lroe>  tybalt89, #perl++?
        <LeoNerd>  Objective Perl++.NET
        <rindolf>  LeoNerd: heh.
        <rindolf>  LeoNerd: Enterprise Edition.
        <LeoNerd>  Wait, Objective jPerl++.NET surely..
        <Su-Shee>  Objective jPerl.NET++ Enterprise Beans
        <rindolf>  Objective jIronPerl++.NET Enterprise Edition.
 <federated_life>  jperl !! awesome, now something to make java devs lose
                   their minds
        <LeoNerd>  I wonder if anyone has a web framework called Toast
        <LeoNerd>  Could make Beans on Toast
        <rindolf>  federated_life: there's Inline::Java, BTW.
           <lroe>  Objective jIronPerl++.NET Enterprise Edition♭
        <LeoNerd>  lroe: Isn't the "Iron" something about .NET anyway
           <lroe>  I added the ♭
           <lroe>  not the iron
        <Su-Shee>  LeoNerd: you hid your python.
        <LeoNerd>  *ahem*
        <rindolf>  federated_life: - Larry
                   Wall about Java.
        <rindolf>  lroe: isn't the ♭ "flat"?
        <rindolf>  perlbot: utf8 ♭
        <perlbot>  rindolf: U+266D (e2 99 ad): MUSIC FLAT SIGN [♭]
        <rindolf>  :-)
 <federated_life>  rindolf: circa 1997
           <lroe>  yes it is the flat sign
           <lroe>  as opposed to the sharp sign
        <rindolf>  So now we have:
        <rindolf>  Objective jIronPerl++.NET Enterprise Edition♭
                   Professional Home Premium™.
        <rindolf>  LOL.
      <icebattle>  Objective jIronPerl++.NET Enterprise Edition♭
                   Professional Home Premium 64-bit Single-user

    -- Enterprise Perl for the Enterprise Win
    -- #perl, Freenode

How can I switch off the T.V.?

(This bit was posted anonymously to a pastebot on 23 March, 2011. It is placed her for posterity after some editing.)

Question: how can I switch off my TV?

What he wants to hear? For example: Locate on/off button your TV remote a press it. The button is usually red and located at the topmost line on the remote.

The #perl expert's answer: First, what do you mean with "switch off"? Define it first. Nopaste your TV, TV remote and the living room too.

After a nopaste:

Your room is ugly. And the TV looks terrible. Use Mr. Clean on the screen, and clean your living room first. Use three cleaning mops instead of two. Use HDMI and never use scart (?) connectors, unless you really want to. Your TV remote has unreadable buttons, clean up first. You're a beginner, so read:

IRC guest: But, i don't want be a TV expert.

Answer: Why do you want to switch the TV on then?!

Flat Tire

talexb: “Hey, I have a flat tire. Can you help me change it with a can opener and a pound of sesame seeds?”

(In context of parsing XML or HTML with regular expressions.)




Perl 6

Chuck Norris and Perl 6

    <rindolf>  wankit
     <buubot>  Perl 6, unlike most people, is able to breathe in the
               vacuum of space. In fact, anything else would damage its
               respiratory system. Because of this, whenever it's
               visiting Earth, it wears a respirator, which resembles a
               kickass beard.
    <rindolf>  Heh heh.
    <rindolf>  Are all of buubot's wankit factoids about Perl 6?
    <rindolf>  He should have some about Chuck Norris, too.
     <merlyn>  fictional factoids about a partially designed, partially
               implemented, partially wanted language. :)
    <rindolf>  merlyn: yeah.
     <merlyn>  Heh - those are all Chuck Norris quotes with s/Chuck/P6/
<dabreegster>  rindolf: It's written in Chuck Norris, right
     <merlyn>  Chuck Norris writes code in Perl 6. Before Larry's done.
               And it works.
    <rindolf>  merlyn: Chuck Norris wrote Perl 6 in a day but then
               destroyed all evidence with his bare hands, so no one
               will know his secrets.

   -- FreeNode's #perl.

Chuck Norris as a Pugs Committer

    <rindolf>  ajs: perhaps Chuck Norris would be a useful addition to
               the Pugs and Parrot teams.
        <ajs>  rindolf: If Norris can write, give him a commit bit, and
               tie him to a keyboard ;)
 <FurnaceBoy>  I thought he already had commit
      <daxim>  Chuck Norris commits with a roundhouse kick into the SVN
               server's head
            *  FurnaceBoy chuckles
        <ajs>  daxim: If you can get that to pass the test suite, then
               more power to you!
 <FurnaceBoy>  Chuck *is* the test suite
    <Kattana>  chuck norris does not code, when he sits at a
               computer, it just does whatever he wants.
    <rindolf>  Kattana: :-)
      <daxim>  ah, we're easy to amuse
        <ajs>  Be the test suite, Chuck... BE the test suite.
 <FurnaceBoy>  you gotta pass 'make chuck'

   Chuck Norris Perlsixifies at FreeNode's #perl6 channel.

Perl 6 and Vapourware

  <anonuser>  You know for when they finally decide to release that
              programatic abortion they call perl 6
   <rindolf>  anonuser: on Christmas.
   <rindolf>  anonuser: don't know which one.
   <rindolf>  anonuser: you can download pugs and play with it.
  <anonuser>  rindolf, The running joke I have with friends is
              that Duke Nukem Forever (DNF) is being written in Perl6
   <rindolf>  anonuser: it's an old joke.
  <anonuser>  rindolf, DNF and Perl6 together is an old joke?
   <rindolf>  anonuser: yeah.
   <rindolf>  anonuser: "Perl 6 is the language Duke Nukem Forever will
              be written in."
   <rindolf>  Well, it's not too old, but it's a meme.
<Aji-Dahaka>  rindolf: I'm the guy who's going to port DNF from
              GNU/Hurd to FreeBSD

From Freenode's ##freebsd.

Perl 10

    <ubajas>  Technically, my first language was Turbo Pascal, but I
              started over with Perl 10 years later (not having
              programmed in the meantime). I'm obviously damaged goods.
      <iank>  ubajas: heh, I read that as "I started with (perl 10)
              (years later)" instead of "I started with perl (10 years
              later)" :)
   <rindolf>  Perl 10!
   <rindolf>  Perl for the Fourth Millenium.
  <jagerman>  I thought Perl 6 was supposed to be timeless
    <ubajas>  iank: Maybe I should have added a comma. :-]
  <jagerman>  Perl ∞
      <iank>  perl6 has existed since the beginning of time, or at
              least it will have existed since then once $Larry finds a
              time machine.
<simcop2387>  iank: i'm sorry but larry is the prophet i am the
              messanger! i will be the one to take it back!
      <iank>  WHAT.
<simcop2387>  iank: its MY TIME MACHINE!
           *  iank smacks simcop2387 around
  <jagerman>  iank: So it'll be like that Star Trek episode, where they
              say that the development of computers are caused by time
              travel from the future?
  <jagerman>  Except that they were too stupid (like most Voyager
              writers) to get their facts right, and thought computers
              started in the 70s

From Freenode's #perl.

More about Chuck Norris and Perl 6

 <Su-Shee>  rindolf: yes, I played with Squeak a little and yes I'd like
            a vim clone written in perl.
 <Makoryu>  Why isn't there one already, then?
 <Makoryu>  (A vim clone in Perl)
 <Su-Shee>  good question. there's one in javascript :)
 <rindolf>  Su-Shee: actually , it's a vi clone.
 <rindolf>  Writing a vi clone is much easier than writing a vim clone.
 <rindolf>  Just like writing a Scheme clone is much easier than writing
            a Perl 6 implementation.
 <rindolf>  Unless you're Chuck Norris.
 <Su-Shee>  rindolf: darn.. he already wrote a vim in perl6?
 <moritz_>  no, he scared K&R into writing it ;-)
 <rindolf>  Su-Shee: Chuck Norris is the ghost author of the entire
            Debian GNU/Linux distribution.
 <rindolf>  Su-Shee: and he wrote it in 24 hours, while taking snack
 <Su-Shee>  rindolf: yes, I know - he published slackware under the
            pseudonym patrick volkerding...
 <rindolf>  Chuck Norris read the entire Wikipedia. Twice.
  <araujo>  the second time includes fixing all its errors
 <moritz_>  but he didn't commmit his changes, it seems
 <rindolf>  moritz_: heh.
 <rindolf>  LOL.
  <araujo>  Chuck Norris doesn't commit changes, the changes commit for
  <araujo>  :)
 <rindolf>  Code is too scared of Chuck to be wrong.
 <rindolf>  It is generated right in the first time.
 <rindolf>  Bugs are too afraid to reproduce on Chuck Norris' computer.
 <Su-Shee>  .o(I see a chuck norris release on the horizon... ;)
 <rindolf>  Su-Shee: :-)
 <Su-Shee>  we could ask chuck norris if he's willing to promote the star
            release.. ;)) (which probably kill the entire internet due to
            laughter.. :)
  <araujo>  Perl 6 - A Chuck Norris like language
<dukeleto>  Chuck Norris has actually been using Perl 6 since 1987, and
            has been waiting for Larry to play catch-up. :)
 <rindolf>  dukeleto: LOL.
 <rindolf>  Perl 6 - Kicks ass like Chuck.
 <Su-Shee>  rakudo - chuck's choice ;)
 <Su-Shee>  well, camelia and chuck norris go well together. ;)
 <rindolf>  OK.
 <rindolf>  Of course everybody know Chuck Norris is a real programmer.
 <rindolf>  He designs machines by combining individual atoms.
 <rindolf>  Using his thought.
 <rindolf>  Atoms obey Chuck Norris.
 <Su-Shee>  rindolf: you obviously have been starved and deprived of
            super hero comics in your childhood :)

-- From Freenode's #perl6

Perl 6 just Perl 5 with ‘use strict’ turned on